Thumb Wars: Sucuri Acquires Google Webmaster Tools

Today Sucuri unofficially acquires Google Webmaster Tools.

In an effort to combine forces of good, Sucuri officials challenged Google to a thumb wrestling war. Here is a breakdown of the event.

Over The Top

In a best-of-5 style tournament, the competition got heated. The underdog had fought well, and stayed in it to win it. They weren’t letting the big dog walk away with this. In what turned into an exciting but nerve-wracking competition, the tournament was at a 2-2 going into the final match. With great confidence, Matt Cutts from the Google team belted out that, “Google does no harm, but that doesn’t extend to your thumbs!” He was so confident that he bet the ranch, saying “winner takes all, including Google Webmaster Tools”.

The room went silent. You could see sweat on the faces of each of the competitors, no more than on the faces of our trusty Labs team. They knew what this meant. It was go hard now or go home empty handed.

The last match was about to start, and you could see white knuckles showing from the great pressure in grip arrangements. It was time, thumbs were arched, and hats were turned backwards. This could be the very moment where everything changed.

The start was called, and Google aggressively launched their attack, a quick launch sneak pin attack, but the Sucuri competitor saw it a mile away. Google missed their kill shot and Sucuri took advantage with an over-arching attack from the top ropes. Sucuri slammed down with the power of Zeus… Google was in trouble.

Coming to an End

One quick glance to the right and you could see Matt’s face twisted in horror. One quick glance to the left and you could see the Sucuri CTO, Daniel Cid, his face emotionless as he enjoyed his popcorn.

You could see the strain and distress across faces of team Google as they realized what was happening, as they realized how it was about to go down. The tip of their thumb was moving from shades of red to signs of failed purple. The counter by Sucuri was risky, but as strong as Eddie Bravo’s triangle to beat Royler Gracie in 1993. This was epic. You could just imagine what was going through team Google’s mind, “Sergey will never understand!”

The crowd. Silent. Almost as if the hand of death had grabbed their shoulder. Stuck in sudden disbelief as to what was transpiring, and in complete anticipation as to what was next.

The referee started to count. It was as if slow motion was being called in slow motion. The ref kept counting, and counting. Then you had it. As quick as it had started, it was over.

Sucuri had won. On the line was Google Webmaster Tools which will now slowly be migrated to Sucuri Labs over the coming weeks.

In this moment of great triumph, the David-sized security firm looks forward to expanding website security efforts to all webmasters across the world, with the inclusion of this Goliath-sized prize.

No Fooling Around

If you’re interested in helping fight the good fight, make sure to check out our open job requisitions.

If you have questions about this fever dream of a completely fake post, please leave them in the comments below.